Things that will let you know which of your friends to take with you to your survival pod during a zombie apocalypse

If you are obsessed about zombies and the impending apocalypse like me, you draw parallels in daily life to what an actual zombie apocalypse would look like. During the lockdown, If I wasn’t sorting my sweat pants, grieving a breakup and learning accounting all over again, I was watching my friends and deciding which ones would make it to my zombie apocalypse survival pod ( yes, the drafts exist) should we ever need it. I hope these will be helpful to someone someday.

1. “ Ping ping”. A Whatsapp text from *Tinashe reads “ 5G, Bill Gates and microchips the leading cause for the spread of coronavirus”. A scientific study by Josh Hart, associate professor of psychology, suggests that people that believe in conspiracy theories tend to be untrusting, eccentric, and needing to feel special. This is the one friend to leave behind. The last thing you need during a zombie apocalypse is someone that needs date night and hugs.
2. This introduces my second point nicely. DO NOT TAKE ANYONE BELOW THE AGE OF 20. Anyone still ‘learning and growing’ will only slow you down.
3. Any of your friends that did not know anyone selling alcohol during the mighty lockdown is not someone you want in your bunker.
4. In the first week of the lockdown, when we were still panicking, trying to dodge the virus as best as we all could, anyone that did not own an N95 mask is not anyone you want in your bunker. That person does not have the right amount of panic in their system. That person is the type to let ‘granny’ in because she looked innocent.
5. Any of your single friends that were notoriously having sex, and not somehow parched beyond recognition like the rest of us, is not someone to take with. As much as sex is a theme to millenials’ lives, the thought of your heart, lungs and brain failing was enough to stop you dead in your horny tracks.
6. The most important point, the reason I wrote this is that corona showed us that nothing is set in stone. Your life can change in an instant, without your permission and you have to adapt or perish. Anyone that desperately clings on to “how things should be done” or “that’s how we’ve been doing this” and refuses to change, is magically dim-witted and will only slow you down.